A Southern Belle’s Guide To The North

“What can I get you all to drink”, the waitress queried. (Notice there was no “y’all” or “darlins” added)
“Well I’d like a sweet tea with lemon please” I asked.
“Sooo…. you’d like an hot tea with sugar on the side?” the waitress was looking increasingly confused.
“Well no, is there a way I could have iced sweet tea?” I had hoped to not be difficult.
 “OHHH… so you want iced tea with sugar on the side?” She looked disapprovingly at me…
“Actually can I just get a water”… Sometimes you just have to choose your battles and sweet tea was not going to be one of them.
This whole living in the North thing has been quite the adjustment to say the very least. So I thought I’d write down the biggest differences I, a self-professed southern belle, has encountered in an effort to help other frostbitten southerners trying this whole Artic thing.
  1. On-ramps: Usually a long stretch of road that lets you leisurely get onto the highway. Not in Detroit, you’ve got barely 5 feet before you’re dropped like a spoonful of grits onto the interstate.
  2. Warm is 35 degrees. Um wahhh?
  3. They don’t sell wine in Walgreens. I repeat… they don’t sell wine in Walgreens. Somehow buying your wine in a pharmacy makes you feel slightly better about your life decisions than having to go into an actual liquor store.
  4. There’s no such thing as looking adorable while trying to dress warm. If there is an inch of skin showing you’re doing it wrong.
  5. Apparently I dress southern? This guy took me on a date once and once we arrived to the restaurant and I took my coat off to reveal a flirty skirt and silk floral top he looked absolutely shocked and commented, “wow, you look….. southern” like it was a bad thing! I didn’t stay for desserts 😉
  6. Snow driving: apparently there’s a reason people go slowly. Note: that was not me going 70mph in a blizzard… definitelyyyy not.
  7. Hugging is inappropriate. Typically I try to wrap any and everyone in a bear hug… I have never gotten so many awkward pats on the back. I mean it just feels SO awkward to wave to your friends as they leave… I mean who does that? (Apparently everyone)
  8. Hey remember that time I got pulled over by the cops for speeding in an effort to warm my car up? #TheArtic #ButIDidn’tGetATicket
  9. Salt isn’t a fashion forward look on black leather heels
  10. Walking on ice in heels is also not a good look
  11. Don’t tell the McDonald’s lady “yes ma’am” when she asks if you want napkins. This will lead to a long rant on her part on how she IS. NOT. OLD. (wasn’t saying you were… just being polite)
  12. People tell you what they’re thinking. This girl teasingly told me, “haha… yea I will CUT you”… *que a very very awkward laugh in which I tried to figure out if she was serious*. I’ve never missed niceties so much.
  13. “Where is the shovel in  your trunk?”: Apparently you’re a horrible person if you don’t have a shovel and complete winter survival kit in your trunk. But really I would like to know how exactly I’m supposed to shovel out my car in my heels and red uniform dress in negative temperatures.
  14. Michigan u-turns: these super special U-turn type lanes where you can get off the interstate and loop right around to go the other way! All the while avoiding traffic lights and other cars… these were MADE for directionally challenged people like me. Unfortunately no one told me these are only at certain intersections and you can’t go the wrong way down a one way street singing Taylor Swift just because…..
  15. Coney Island: The magical land of $4 for 4 pancakes and other delightful-horrible-for-you nom nom’s.
So is the North ever going to be like my beautiful South? Probably not. But it is growing on me. The GPS tells me everyday that I’m “home” and while I’m not quite sure about all that I don’t yell at it anymore. It’s nice to have people that tell you what they’re thinking (even if it’s unsolicited most of the time) and now I get to go shopping for warm clothes ALL the time since it would seem I can never have enough.
P.S. I’m writing all of this from Sarasota Florida…. Irony? #AnythingToEscapeTheCold

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s