“Oh I just love your outfit” the police officer said to me as I placed my belongings into the scanner.
“Gosh thank you – It’s just so fun to wear heels isn’t it?” I replied not even thinking that DUH officers don’t wear heels at work… *Palm to face*
My thoughts were interrupted as the police officer said phones were “simply not allowed at court”. Being that I’m not exactlyyyy a frequent visitor to court rooms I had no idea… I clip-clopped my way back to my car and locked my phone up. Finally I was back at security and put my purse on the belt.
“Oh ma’am we don’t allow phone cords, lipgloss, or…. well… anything in your purse”
I looked incredulously at the officer, was this normal? What if I need gum, or when I start nervously sweating where will my perfume be? Apparently officers don’t really care about my sweating problems so back I trotted to the car to lock up my purse.
FINALLY through security I made my way to the courtroom. I tiptoed in and tried to slink into the back row. I’m more the inconspicuous type. That was not happening as the lady in the front loudly called out, “UM, ma’am you can’t sit there”. To which I obviously just froze like a possum pretending to be dead.
Apparently you have to check in with the scary lady. Didn’t know that either! (Where is the manual for how to behave in court?)
I tried to tiptoe up to the front so not to be obnoxiously clicking on the tile floors. After explaining profusely that I’m not actually a criminal and excessive promises to never ever speed again she rolled and her eyes and said, “ma’am I just need your ticket number”. (See infrequent visitor comment above)
Finally I was released to go hide in the back row. Clutching my pink notebook which of course was complete with a gold Chanel quote on the front I started nervously signing my name over….
The very old man beside me leaned over and said, “Um ma’am I see you’re a reporter, I’d like to make a statement”. For a second I contemplated pretending to be said reporter and taking his statement but then decided to not add another criminal offense to my record and explained I’m simply psychotic and writing my name down over and over.
Finally the scary people upfront decided I was not in fact a criminal and reduced my charge to “impeding traffic” which is code for – you still owe money, but less money.
I practically skipped out of the courtroom and proceeded to do a dance in the hallway – assuming I was alone.
I was not alone.
I was shaking and grooving as the entire wall of court clerks rolled in laughter.
I gave the worlds most awkward wave and practically ran out of the building.
So there you have it my dear reader, your unofficially official guide to how to behave in court. Just trying to help you out here 😉