The nose of the plane touched down as we landed in Paris. No sooner had that occurred than this tiny… tiny… little old lady bolted up, grabbed her ginormous suitcase from the overhead bin and started racing towards the plane door.

I unlatched my harness and bolted after her.

“Ma’am, ma’am!!!!” I shouted.

She looked back at me as she kept running, I’m sure there was a glint of sass in her eyes. Finally catching up to her I breathlessly exclaimed that it’s illegal to be up during an active taxi. (Active taxi means the plane is still moving and consequently also the time during which 75% of crashes happen).

She looked at me as if I had grown a third head and reluctantly followed me as I dragged her suitcase back to her seat. All of this being said it’s dawned on me that perhaps there are some things people just don’t know about air travel so I’m going to set the record straight on a few things.

Turbulence… Will not in fact kill you. Yes you’ll feel as if all of your insides crave to be taking a stroll down the aisle but there is no inherent danger in us bobbing and weaving in the sky.

Seatbelt Sign… You wouldn’t see a stop sign while driving and then just decide, “eh, who even cares about stop signs anymore” and keep driving would you? A seat belt sign is on because the captain has it on for a very specific purpose. Most likely he or she expects some rough air and wants you to be safe. If you do need to get up… USE CAUTION… for the love of all things holy don’t lollygag around and set up a pretzel social at Row 20.

Double Ding… This is as simple as it sounds! Right before we land there’s a ding that chimes two times, we make an announcement to ask everyone to put their tray tables up and laptops away. But then, for some ungodly reason people stare at me in horror when I ask them to put up their tray tables. Fun fact, should you have your tray table down and we  crash, your body will slam into said tray table causing internal injuries as well as inhibit you from evacuating a potentially on fire plane. SO…. with all of that being said, I love you and don’t want that to happen so please. put. your. tray. table. up.

Airplane Complaints… Now more than anyone I understand how inconvenient it is not have a window, be late for your next flight, not have brought a blanket, be allergic to everything…. howEVER… with that being said… I will do absolutely everything I can to make your flight enjoyable but I cannot create a window out of thin air, call up the next pilot and tell him to halt all airline operations, produce blankets out of my dress or create an air bubble for your allergic self to breathe in.

Please don’t scream at me that I’m a terrible flight attendant for not being able to do the above things. I’m doing my best.

But what I can do is make you feel at home, provide food and drink with a warm smile, keep you safe during any and all emergencies and save your life if need be. So please don’t wear shorts with no jacket, paint your nails on the plane and most of all…

…wear deodorant,

XOXO,

Christena